On January 17, 2012, I received a letter in the mail written in blood from my mom, who is in prison. The letter asked me to make the money to buy her the best lawyer in town, Ken Nunn, to dispute her murder charges. I was in quite the pickle at that moment being as I am a pretty sad, moneyless person/Creative Writing graduate/degenerate/pickle farmer/Slash impersonator. And none of those whacky endeavors were making me any monetary gain. I’m talking makin’ bank.
Well, so the story goes…I talked to a guy, who knew a guy, who know a girl, who knew a guy, who knew a girl (post-op), who knew this dude, mysteriously named “The Man” that was looking for a group of writers to add outstanding content to Musical Family Tree. I contacted him and lots of “fruits of your labor” jokes were made on his part. I mean, I get it…”family tree…fruits of labor…ha, ha,” but I told him I need bank. And, I mean I needed to be stackin’ cakes.
We discussed in the nude, over cellular phone conversations, the opportunity of a multi-thousand dollar writing project. And, as someone who is admittedly gullible, I knew such projects existed.
I agreed and signed a verbal contract. I started by researching this so-called band, Everything, Now! by using my favorite search engine, Yahoo! (Note: Ironic how both Everything, Now! and Yahoo! involve the inclusion of the exclamation point. Don’t you think?). After being distracted by an article about a 9-year-old girl who gave birth to a hotdog, I remembered what I was doing and discovered that Everything, Now! are a notable rock group in Indiana that I have listened to for many years. “A staple to the community,” one may even call them. I definitely do.
After researching the band, I went to find a copy of The Air Up There. This is a beloved film about bringing a native of an African tribe to America to play basketball with a little learning about ourselves along the way. To no avail, I could not find this film, and reps at Disney (who doesn’t even own the film) told me it was locked away in “The Vault”.
At this point I grew angry and ugly. I even called my wife a “trollop” at one point. Sorry, honey! But, I came to and decided upon another film using the high-tech Netflix streaming search tool for Internet film viewing. I started by trying to sync the Everything, Now! album with the family-friendly Cronenberg film, Videodrome. As you can assume, it just didn’t work out. What I needed were good vibes and hot-ass dance moves.
I took a breather and thought deeply about the humanitarian and religious themes that recur in Everything, Now! songs. I almost gave up on the project all together and decided to just play God of War III instead. But I couldn’t let my mom down! Through loose cognitive mapping I thought of “Sinbad” because of the double negative of the name as well as that It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode that the actor/comedian appears in, which never leaves my mind.
By searching “Sinbad” on Netflix, I came across the 2007 film Stompin’. Interesting how I came to this point and decision. It’s almost as if there were some sort of underlining conspiracy all along.
Do It On The Moon vs. Stompin’
“Why Believe?” opens the film with visuals that brilliantly pay homage to Steve Jobs and those silly iPod commercials (from the late 90’s, I believe) by having infrared people dancing in the background to the titles. For example, there’s some interesting “fist pump” action going on as Sinbad’s name appears. That’s why people believe in rock n’ roll.
Fade to black. Those great radio transmissions middle way through the song come in as the image of college or hospital or something is shown. Then there’s some quick images of some dude in a hospital. These images are nicely played after the lyrics, “What you gonna do without life insurance?” Well played, Crafty and Sinbad. I feel a conspiracy boner rising, and may need to consult a doctor.
“Over and Away” (0:47)
The next scene we’re just outside chillin’ with Sinbad, who actually looks as if he’s singing the song at times. It appears there is some sort of argument going on between Sinbad and his family. A flyer is passed around for a “Stepping Competition” and we know that must have something to do with dancing as there is artwork of weirdly crossed legs on the flyer.
Sinbad says, “We couldn’t fathom. There’s nothing we can’t fathom.” -- in relation to the “Stepping Competition”.
Shouting ensues. The argument appears to relate to the Everything, Now! songs in terms of existential commentary of, “No boy of mine is going to be steppin’.”
Break down on “Over and Away” closes with a great stepping scene outside of a college campus. Seriously, I almost pooped my pants because of how well the dancing goes with the music. After the stepping montage some groups (or clichés) argue, most likely about the “Stepping Competition”.
“Imagine 2040” (1:38)
People are clapping outside at a speech being given by the main dude (most likely about the “Stepping Competition”), but the amazing part is how the clapping actually syncs up with the clapping in the song. It’s interesting and suspicious, indeed.
I can’t say that “Fire and Stone” really goes well with the following scenes, which include two guys playing video games and arguing (probably about the “Stepping Competition”). I’m sure this could have been the possible intent of Everything, Now! masterminds to throw me off. Nice try. I’m going to follow this through.
“Hope in Fearsville” (1:16)
There’s some nice crooning in this song, which is somewhat juxtaposed with the hardcore conversing going on at a picnic table outside of the school. I feel there’s empowerment in the lyrics and that shines through when two characters FIST BUMP. The FIST BUMP in this scene has to be highly important to the plot and syncs well with the feel of the song. Also, it appears these people are talking about the devil a lot.
“Did It on the Moon” kicks in so nicely. It’s just so upbeat and pleasant. But, unfortunately, my computer froze up during an argument between two women, which I can only infer was about the upcoming “Stepping Competition”. I watch the pinwheel of death for a while then everything finally unfreezes. Some people start to fight and then vaguely dance in a cafeteria à la Grease 2.
The film transitions to a wicked stomping/crumping/cromping scene outside with people dancing with candy canes. Oh god, this goes so well with the end of the “Did It on the Moon” that it makes the parts that didn’t sync so well before seem meaningless. A gratuitous candy cane dance at the end of your song? What more could you want?
“Jesus Johnny Appleseed” (0:19)
“Moses set my people free…” is what a fine young, shirtless gentleman says after reading a letter that probably declares a challenge for the “Stepping Competition”. This dude literally belts out “L. Ron Hubbard” in sync with the song. The conspiracy thickens.
Clint Howard appears as an announcer for a baseball game and the theme of baseball, in general, oddly relates to the lyrics and Jesus Christ. And nothing much really happens during the short, but blissful “Silent Queen” instrumental, except for some good ol’ arguing between Sinbad, aka “Sindad”, and his son. The conversation probably went something like, “You rock at baseball. I won’t let no son of mine throw his life away for some foolish stepping competition.”
Saint A.M. Gold (1:30)
Lyrics about laughter are sung, but the stepping training scene at night (outside of the college campus, of course) is nothing but serious seriousness, seriously. The trumpet and grandiose music culminates with the beginning of a sexy sex scene that goes into a “Heavenly Father” lap dance. And, to be quite honest I can really see “Heavenly Father” being played in strip clubs across Europe in the future. “I had both my eyes plucked out by a son of a whore.” That’s exactly how I’ve felt up to this point with this experiment.
The album ends on a sour note -- “We don’t want anything but love.” That must be how the female character feels when she receives her test back.
So that album finishes and there’s like way too much of this horrible film left to watch. I mean, I’m sure more arguing, a little steppin’, stompin’, and crappin’ continues throughout with a climax of the stepping competition. But, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go on.
My recommendation: Challenge yourself by falling further down the rabbit hole. Start Stompin’ at 36:21 minutes and the beginning the classic Everything, Now! album Sunshine of Doom at the same time. I’m sure the results will be shocking.
Conclusion: So what does it all mean?
“You know what they got! Get a double cheeseburger!” - Sinbad
As you can see from this Sinbad clip, the man speaks the truth! As do Everything, Now! But along the way have we been lied to? Is something mysterious going on in the shadows?
The answer is, “Yes-um.”
I received a phone call at a quarter past midnight on February 4, 2012 from a man with a disguised voice. He told me everything I need to know.
Sinbad’s real name is David Adkins. The members of Everything, Now! are long-time supporters of the newly trending Atkins diet. In spring of 2009, founding Everything, Now! member, NAME REMOVED, thought he was on a Yahoo! chat with Atkins diet creator, Robert Atkins, but it turned out to be Mr. Adkins. A friendship and business partnership quickly evolved.
On December 11, 2009, Sinbad filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. It was during the following years leading up to the release of Do It On The Moon that Everything, Now! carefully added subliminal messages to their album as a way to raise funds to the Sinbad product. Sinbad currently has a reality series on the WE tv channel, called Sinbad: It’s Just Family. WE tv is owned by AMC Networks. Josh Sapan is the president of AMC Networks. Newly added member of Everything, Now! as of 2010, NAMED REMOVED, is the stepson of Josh Sapan. Now you know!
“Long Live The New Flesh”